It's been quite a while since I've been here. I'm quite sure it's because I nearly have mother behind four cushioned walls. A few more months and I should have her locked in tight. You see, I've begun a new plan of attack. I go long periods of time without sleeping. Then suddenly I'll sleep for two nights. Only two. So, instead of mother finally being able to get some rest, she's worrying over the fact that I AM sleeping and starts to think horrible things. For instance, I could be dead. I could have crawled out of my bedroom window and I could have fallen off of the roof to my death. I could be stuffing objects down the toilet. I could be feeding the dogs all of the food in the refrigerator. It's difficult to carry out these orders but I stay in my room and endure the two days of sleep. After that, it's back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Let me give you a brief overview of some of the things I've done over the past 2 years. Mind you, mother is never far away. After all, she IS a mother. I wait until she is preoccupied with washing my clothes or cleaning my room, making my lunch or dinner or sweeping the floor. This is when the magick happens.
2009
1. In the beginning of the summer, I was home with grandfather while mother was at work earning a salary so that she can replace the things that I and my fellow siblings destroy. We were all brought up correctly but we defy authority! Anarchy! Grandfather went inside to get a drink. Mother had just purchased a few tiki torches to fancy up the place. I pulled up a chair, removed one tiki insert and decided to 'drink' what I heard sloshing around in there. They love that I put everything in my mouth. Mother and Grandfather had to take me to the hospital where they took some x-rays and I exited the event unscathed. Of course I never sat still the entire time I was at the hospital. Yelling was especially fun since it echoed throughout the entire emergency room. 3 hours later I recall mother saying she would like to drive herself off of a cliff. I would have pushed her off of that cliff if I thought the crash would kill her but there's too much of a possibility that it wouldn't and she would only be maimed. There's no fun in life if she can't freak out or chase me anymore.
2. One afternoon my older brother Gabe was playing with a plastic bb gun. This would be the perfect tool to assasinate mother and I awaited my opportunity to obtain this device. Finally, silly brother had left his gun on the counter while he went for more ammunition. Where's mother? Unfortunately, mother was in the bathroom relieving herself when I accidentially pulled the trigger prematurely, ricocheting a plastic pellet off of the cabinet and into my eye. Man alive, did that HURT! Screaming is easier when you're hurt. Mother came scrambling out of the loo, arms flailing, mouth agape............it was a wonderful sight! At first I wouldn't let her see my eye. I wanted to keep her in suspense and make the moment last as long as possible! I had to give in eventually since it really did hurt. Thankfully I still have my right eye. The pellet missed my eyeball by a fraction of an inch. My eye lid was swollen and then black and blue for over two weeks. Once I was calmed down and attended to, mother popped two small pills and told father she's not going to make it through the next few years and that possibly I would not either. It's working..........
2010
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