well, it's been a while

It's been quite a while since I've been here. I'm quite sure it's because I nearly have mother behind four cushioned walls. A few more months and I should have her locked in tight. You see, I've begun a new plan of attack. I go long periods of time without sleeping. Then suddenly I'll sleep for two nights. Only two. So, instead of mother finally being able to get some rest, she's worrying over the fact that I AM sleeping and starts to think horrible things. For instance, I could be dead. I could have crawled out of my bedroom window and I could have fallen off of the roof to my death. I could be stuffing objects down the toilet. I could be feeding the dogs all of the food in the refrigerator. It's difficult to carry out these orders but I stay in my room and endure the two days of sleep. After that, it's back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Let me give you a brief overview of some of the things I've done over the past 2 years. Mind you, mother is never far away. After all, she IS a mother. I wait until she is preoccupied with washing my clothes or cleaning my room, making my lunch or dinner or sweeping the floor. This is when the magick happens.

2009
1. In the beginning of the summer, I was home with grandfather while mother was at work earning a salary so that she can replace the things that I and my fellow siblings destroy. We were all brought up correctly but we defy authority! Anarchy! Grandfather went inside to get a drink. Mother had just purchased a few tiki torches to fancy up the place. I pulled up a chair, removed one tiki insert and decided to 'drink' what I heard sloshing around in there. They love that I put everything in my mouth. Mother and Grandfather had to take me to the hospital where they took some x-rays and I exited the event unscathed. Of course I never sat still the entire time I was at the hospital. Yelling was especially fun since it echoed throughout the entire emergency room. 3 hours later I recall mother saying she would like to drive herself off of a cliff. I would have pushed her off of that cliff if I thought the crash would kill her but there's too much of a possibility that it wouldn't and she would only be maimed. There's no fun in life if she can't freak out or chase me anymore.

2. One afternoon my older brother Gabe was playing with a plastic bb gun. This would be the perfect tool to assasinate mother and I awaited my opportunity to obtain this device. Finally, silly brother had left his gun on the counter while he went for more ammunition. Where's mother? Unfortunately, mother was in the bathroom relieving herself when I accidentially pulled the trigger prematurely, ricocheting a plastic pellet off of the cabinet and into my eye. Man alive, did that HURT! Screaming is easier when you're hurt. Mother came scrambling out of the loo, arms flailing, mouth agape............it was a wonderful sight! At first I wouldn't let her see my eye. I wanted to keep her in suspense and make the moment last as long as possible! I had to give in eventually since it really did hurt. Thankfully I still have my right eye. The pellet missed my eyeball by a fraction of an inch. My eye lid was swollen and then black and blue for over two weeks. Once I was calmed down and attended to, mother popped two small pills and told father she's not going to make it through the next few years and that possibly I would not either. It's working..........

2010

Even when sick........

I don't quit! I have a fever and can't sleep for very long because I'm uncomfortable but I still want to get into things. Mother is sick too. I can't let her rest!

Mother hasn't updated much lately but she's updating now because she's finally caught proof, on film, containing some of my antics. You see, when family or friends come to visit, I keep my bold tendencies under wrap for the most part. Mother says I make her look like a liar. HA! That's the whole point! My trickery works! But sadly, my reign of trickery is over. Everyone will now know the truth about the things I do behind closed doors.

That's me bothering my 8 1/2 year old brother, Gabe as he tries to have a snack. Mother tries so hard to keep me off of the table but I scream until I'm pretty much not breathing. It doesn't take long before I'm allowed back up.

Here I am on the coffee table. Mother missed her coffee table and thought that putting longer legs on it would thwart my attempts at climbing it. It only took me 10 minutes to figure out how to reach the top. I took my ride-on zebra and moved it over to the table and used it as a stepping stool. You can tell I'm being scolded in this photo by the look on my face. I cry when I'm told to "get down". I make her physically remove me.

Here I am in the backyard. I'm in the fenced in area where the dog runs which holds me in as of now. Give me a few weeks and I'll be scaling the fence or digging my way out. As you can tell, we live in the woods. All the trees in the back are the part of the backyard and mother says she'll never cut them down. That's why she loves where we live. I like it too.

The toilet and dirty diapers

I don't have any pictures to post for this entry because mother hasn't uploaded them from her camera yet. She doesn't move fast enough for me!

Anyway, I just can't get enough of the toilet. I love flushing it, opening and closing it, sticking my hands in it to swirl the water around and especially putting things into it. Mother is quite sick of sterilizing my bottles and cups. It's even better when she spends 10 minutes searching around for my bottle only to find it later when she goes to the bathroom before bed. I also like chewing on the handle end of the plunger. Mother has tried hiding it in the cabinet behind a childproof lock but I've cracked the lock and pulled it out. She obviously underestimates my abilities. Last week I ate soap. Hey, it smelled like oatmeal! I'll pretty much eat anything except for scrambled eggs. Something about them just gives me the heebie jeebies and I spit them out everytime.

Recently I've been telling mother when I need a new diaper. I heard her whispering something about me being ready for my potty, how my brothers were late potty bloomers and that I may just break the record for earliest trained. Hahahahaha. She is so delusional.

Last week I broke down and made mother happy. She came to pick me up at daycare and when she finally got my attention, I smiled, giggled and then started to cry as I ran for her. I then hugged her really hard. I guess now she knows that I love her, even though I won't say her name. Yesterday she was asking me to say mama and I kept saying diaper and then I threw in a little spice and repeatedly said "puta". It's spanish for "bitch". Mother said there's no way I know what that means. There's a lot mother doesn't know.

Upsetting mother

I love to get mother all worked up. See, she cuts my food into little pieces so that I won't choke but then I put all of the small pieces into my mouth at once, ruining all of her hard work. Sometimes I gag, just for effect and then she really loses it.

In the above photo, I'm making her happy after scaring her by using my sippy cup. I normally just throw it and cry until I get my bottle. She tried to praise me and was clapping but I know what that's all about. I won't be using it again. Mua ha ha ha!

I also like to feed the dog when I don't feel like eating anymore. Mother says he's better than a vaccuum cleaner. She gets frustrated though because I'll only eat a little bit in my chair and then play and whine to get down. Once I'm down, I look for more food. It's a great game! You guys should try it sometime. Also, I'm pretty happy with my new chair. I hated my highchair, which mother loved because it folded up so that she could store it away when not in use. Of course, mother can't be happy so I did my best to squirm my way out of the buckle at every feeding and also I thrashed around like a fish caught in a net. Yet again, great fun! Here I am feeding the dog:


Also, I like to make a big mess. If you come to my house, you'll know there's a tornado hanging about.

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, I was found in the living room, eating toilet paper. There is a hunk missing out of the roll. Mother puts the toilet paper on the bathroom counter on a pretty plate because I always feel a great need to take it off of the roll. It was a great day when I learned how to open doors.